Deep Listening for Parents & Teens
Talking to Teens Is Harder Than It Looks — Here’s How to Do It Mindfully
If you’re parenting a teenage boy or girl, you’ve probably had moments where conversations feel…short, tense, defensive, or completely shut down.
You ask them a simple question.
They shrug.
You push a little.
They pull away.
You get upset.
They retreat.
Sound like a familiar cycle?
As a therapist who works closely with teens, I hear this from parents all the time:
“I don’t know how to talk to my own child anymore.”
The good news?
Teens do want connection — they just need it to feel safe, respected, and pressure-free.
One of the most powerful tools I teach parents is the art and science of deep listening. As a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), and Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) Qualified Teacher, I have been teaching the skill of deep listening for over 15 years.
Deep listening is the practice of offering your full, present-moment attention to another person — without trying to fix, judge, correct, or control what is being shared.
Sounds too difficult? Below are four simple (but not easy) ways to be more mindful and aware when talking to your teen son/daughter.
1️. Listen With the Intention to Understand (Not to Respond)
Most parents listen while mentally preparing advice, corrections, or solutions.
Teens feel this immediately.
Mindful listening sounds like:
● “Help me understand what this is like for you.”
● “I’m listening — go on.”
● Sometimes silence is enough. Be aware of the power of not saying anything. Sometime a look, a nod, a hug can be enough.
Try this:
Before responding, ask yourself: “Do I actually understand their perspective yet?”
If not, keep listening.
2️. Be Curious — Not Judgy
Teens shut down fast when they sense criticism, even subtle ones:
● raised eyebrows
● sighs
● “Why would you do that?”
Curiosity keeps the door open.
Curious responses sound like:
● “What made you feel that way?”
● “What was going through your mind?”
● “Tell me more about that.”
As a parent, reflect on this:
Curiosity says “You make sense to me.”
Judgment says “You’re wrong.”
Guess which one builds trust? Connection? Understanding?
3️. Don’t Jump Into Problem-Solving
This one is tough for parents — especially loving, capable ones.
When a teen shares something hard, parents often rush to:
● fix it
● give advice
● calm their own anxiety
But most teens are not asking to be fixed.
They’re asking to be heard.
Try saying:
● “That sounds really hard.”
● “I’m glad you told me.”
● “Do you want help, or do you just want me to listen?”
Let them decide. Be respectful of their agency.
4️. Connect and Attune Before You Correct
Connection always comes before guidance.
Attunement means:
● matching emotional tones
● staying grounded even if your teen is not
● letting them feel you’re with them, not above them
Small moments of attunement build safety:
● sitting side-by-side instead of face-to-face
● talking while driving or walking
● sharing presence without pressure
When a teen feels connected, they are far more open to influence.
Why This Matters
Teens are navigating A LOT. Even more than what we navigated when we were their ages.
● identity
● emotions they may not have language for
● pressure to appear “fine”
● social Media
● relationships
● puberty
When parents learn mindful communication, something shifts:
● defensiveness lowers
● conversations last longer
● trust grows quietly but powerfully
At Calma Online, I provide therapy, coaching, and mindful support for parents and teens navigating communication challenges, emotional overwhelm, and relationship stress. My work integrates mindfulness, nervous system awareness, and deep listening to foster trust and connection.
To learn more or inquire about working together:
Visit: www.calmaonline.com or email: claudio@calmaonline.com
